Its been awhile. Very angry and feeling sorry for myself post.

Today and to be honest the past month I have gone through various emotions and end up feeling depressed.  As most of you know, my first IVF cycle failed and after having one conversation with my DB, he said that he now feels that he is too old, he goes 43 next February to have children.  Needless to say I was upset  as I go 40 next year but kept quiet but this has been festering in me and I know that I need to let him know how I feel as I would like to try at least 1 more time.  I have also mentioned foster care and adaption as well, but he mentioned that he sees so many young adults who treat their parents with so much disrespect and who get themselves into trouble with the law.  He works for the Police Force which can explain the reasoning for his thinking.

I now dread the questions, “when are you and so and so are going to have kids?” “How come you are not pregnant yet you are not getting any younger” etc.  It hurts hearing those questions, so instead of telling the truth which in my opinion is none of their business as those that ask are just being nosey so and so’s, I either smile and change the subject or say we are trying.  I know that they mean well, but people need to think first before they ask certain questions as trying to have children can be a very sensitive topic.  

I have also been fighting feelings of jealousy and anger when I see young girls are popping kids out like its nothing and then yelling at them instead of talking to them.  Also when I hear that someone else is pregnant and I try to be happy but inside I feel sad and especially when I see new borns or young babies and I wish they were mine or I wish I could have one for myself.   

This sucks.

On another note, I have decided that I need to go and speak to someone in regards to my feelings and also to address a few other things that I have experienced in my life which I feel that I hold on too which holds me back.   As I mentioned before I go 40 next year, and I want to start the new year with a new me and move on from the past and to be a better person. 

Please forgive me if this post is all over the place but this is where my mind is at.  I miss see my follower bloggers.  

New Outlook And Preparing For The Next Possible IVF Cycle. Some TMI

TODAY

It has been 4 days since we received the bad news that our first failed IVF cycle.  Yesterday reality really set in when AF decided to make her notice know and she is back with a vengeance.  For the past two days I have had severe cramps and heavy bleeding but then that is to be expected.  It hurts emotionally but I know that it will eventually pass.  

TOMORROW AND THE NEXT FEW MONTHS

I am not too sure if I have mentioned this before in my previous posts but I have always been struggling with my weight.  I am 5 1 and weigh 210 pounds.  So I am now taking this time to focus on me and making sure that I will be in a much better place for my next IVF than I was before.  

Three years ago I lost 48 pounds and I felt good and looked good too.  I hate the way I look and feel right now and when I have kids I want to be able to play with them and not be out of breath and I want them to see what healthy is and not see me overweight as I would not like for them to struggle as I am struggling. 

My main weakness is soda, soda and did I mention soda.  I have made my lunch for tomorrow and I plan on going to the gym after work.  I am going to try and do the first DVD of Insanity which has been gathering dust for a year, but I am not too sure I want Shaw T yelling at me first thing in the morning especially with AF making her appearance know loud and clear.

If anyone has any suggestions please I am willing to listen.

Hope that everyone has a good week this week.  

 

Feeling sad

Last night we received a call from our family doctor informing us that our first IVF cycled was unsuccessful. My HCH level was 2 so there is no possible way that I can be pregnant.  The call came just before DB was supposed to give me my shot.  I am still numb and cried a bit but feeling kind of in limbo.  But also feel a bit angry as there are people out there that have more than 1 child and they don’t want them but here I am who desperatley wants one is unable to. It makes me so sad and angry! 

So here I am at work and all I hear are babies crying and a friend just posted a picture on FB of her baby bump and I am feel a twinge of jeausly and sadness. 

We are trying to decide what our next steps should be none of my other eggs made it so we will have to start all ove again. We only have the funds for one more try and my age is against me as I turn 40 next year March.  If we are able to do a second IVF cycle it will probably be in May.  That is 28 or so weeks away. 😦

I will spend this time getting myself mentally and physically ready for my next cycle. 

Was so wishing and praying to have good news to share. 

Today is the day

Well after 3 intense weeks,  I went to the doctors office to get my blood drawn at 7:30 this morning.  The doctor who I normally see isn’t in until later on today so I will have to wait till around 6:30 this evening to get the call. 

So here I am at work at 9:00 trying to keep busy and checking my phone making sure it is fully charged and the ringer is on so I can hear it. Debating to get a hands fee headset as I do not want to be driving home and I miss the call as it is against the law so I need one anyway. 

Good news AF still hasn’t made her appearance.

I hope that everyone has a good day. 

Last night

I really can’t wait till tomorrow for my first blood work as I am driving myself crazy which is causing me to have some werid and vivid dreams.  

All day yesterday it felt like my AF was coming on so I kept going to the bathroom. Even last night I told my DB that it felt like it.  I even took a HPT and it came up negative which also played on my mind. 

So why am I dreaming that I am at the doctors and she is doing a scan and I see my little baby moving around and she tells me I am pregnant. I also dreamt of my mom who passed away 4 years ago and even though I couldn’t see her I could hear her.

I also dreamt I was at a friend’s house and she had an after school program with a whole lot of kids there!  I also dreamt that I was invited to go to lunch at Chick Filla (spelling) and we don’t even have that resturant here in BDA?

Needles to say I am exhausted this morning as well as stressed out.

I hope everyone has a good day. I need something to keep me up all day and to keep me distracted from thinking about tomorrow. Yea I work but you know how that is. Access to Google! 

Got to go. Prayers and good vibes to everyone out there.

3 More Sleeps

I have 3 more sleeps before I go in for my first blood work and needless to say I am anxious, nervous and excited amongst other emotions rolled into one. 

I am not too sure what my symptoms are and if I am reading into it more than what I am supposed to.  At times I am not feeling any symptoms and then sometimes it feels as if my AF is coming on and I keep going to the bathroom praying that AF has not made her appearance and breath a sigh of relief and say another prayer that AF hasn’t made an appearance.  My boobs hurt and are tender to touch, and I had a bad case of heartburn and cramping but otherwise than that no other symptoms.  

This 2WW is hard and stressful which I am trying to avoid.  

Praying and staying positive and waiting for my 7:30am blood work on Wednesday.  

Image

Sunshine Award

Image

 

On October 8th Jesselyn at http://everylittlethingsgonnabealright.wordpress.com/  nominated my blog for the Sunshine Award.  I was not expecting this nomination at all as I wanted to come to a place where I can talk and listen to others who really know what I am going through.  

The rules are:-

  1. Include the Sunshine Award Icon in your post.
  2. LInk to the blogger who nominated you.
  3. Answer 10 questions about yourself
  4. Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award
  5. Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them.

 

Here were the questions asked :-

1. What is your deepest fear?  Being left alone in the world

2. If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?   If I had a million dollars, I would pay off our mortgage, pay off any outstanding debt, give some to my two sisters, set up a college fund for my children (hopefully this cycle will be successful), give some to charity and travel the world.

3. Why do you blog? Ever since I was young I always wrote in a journal noting what I was feeling, going through or my dreams and aspirations. I have a friend that has been blogging for awhile and when I started to go through our journey of IVF, I wanted to reach out to others who may or who have gone through the same experiences that I have gone through and to get the support for those that know what I am talking about.  I have learnt alot and have gained a lot of support and encouraging words and I have feel that I have done the same to those that I follow.  

4. If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? I would love to have dinner with my mom, who passed away 4 years ago on March 31st.  I miss her so much and I would love to be able to talk her with my journey and to have her give me a hug and a kiss and tell me that everything is going to be ok and that I will be a great mother.  I wish that she was still alive so that she would be able to see her grandchild/ren.

5. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?  A school teacher

6. What is a meal from childhood that you crave?  A grilled cheese sandwich

7. Name 3 of your weirdest quirks?  Never thought I had any weird quirks so here goes.  a. When I am laying in my bed on my side, I lightly hit my leg three times.   b. When my nails get to a certain length I bit them off.  c. I moan in my sleep

8. What quality of your hero do you wish you had? My hero is Nelson Mandela and that quality I wish I had is perseverance.

9. What is one thing that can always make you smile when you feel really sad?  Knowing that my mom loved and loves me

10. What kind of candy describes you and why?  3 Musketeers.  Softy all the way.

 

Here are my 10 nominees:-

1. http://justhaventmetyouyet.wordpress.com/

2. http://acoursetothefinishline.wordpress.com/

3. http://waitingtoexpand.wordpress.com/

4. http://fromheretomotherhood.wordpress.com/

5. http://ecutripartdeux.wordpress.com/

6. http://odysseytoparenthood.wordpress.com/

7.http://newtoivf.wordpress.com/

8. http://jonsie13.wordpress.com/

9.http://stumblingovertime.wordpress.com/

10. http://ksirahsirah.wordpress.com/

Here are my 10 questions: 

1. What are your favourite movies and what was the part you liked best? 

2. If you can travel to any place in the world where would it be?

3. Have you ever been to summer camp? 

4 . Are you introverted or extroverted? 

5.  Tell me some characteristics that are important to you in a good friend?
6.  What are your hobbies?
7.  What do you want to do when you’re finished school? 
8. What is your least favourite food?
9. If you can change anything in the past what would it be?
10.  Why do you blog?
 I hope that I have done this right.